Predators is totally rad. Let’s just get that out of the way. If you have even an inkling of wanting to go see it, you should. It’s without a doubt the best action movie I’ve seen in the past five years. I can’t imagine anyone leaving this movie dissatisfied, unless you’re a girl. Girls will HATE this movie. It’s not high art, that’s for sure, but if you walk into the theater, you know exactly what you’re in for. Here’s the rundown of good and bad.
GOOD:
- It’s fucking awesome.
- It doesn’t mess around with plot. The original was all but plotless, and you get slightly more story in this movie, but that’s like saying folks from Alabama are more racist than folks from Boston. Either way, Puerto Ricans lose. What?
- It totally ignores Predator 2. I barely remember seeing Predator 2, so I can’t comment on how good/bad it is, but Predators is really the proper sequel to the original. In the same way Aliens expanded and flipped the formula established by Alien, this movie blows the original concept wide open.
- It’s filled with callbacks/homages to other bad-ass movies. One of the first major action beats is a callback to the original Predator. There are bits of Alien/Aliens, The Dirty Dozen/Seven Samurai, hell, there’s even a scene straight out of Zatoichi. It’s like the producers just filled the script full of “Wouldn’t it be crazy?” action sequences, and actually got to film it. At one point, I was honestly expecting there to be a scene where a Predator had to walk across a room of broken glass barefoot in order to be tied to a bomb with Samuel L. Jackson.
- The cast is great. I knew going in about a couple of the actors who make up the group of humans picked for the hunt, and was super pumped about seeing Machete having a Tijuana knife fight with a Predator, but there were a couple of surprises that turned out really well. It’s a cool conceit to have such a diverse group of BAMFs with such disparate ass-kicking skill sets. I was even on board with Adrian Brody as a legit action hero. Even the actors I didn’t know all played really well in each of their parts. And honestly, the Predator actors were all better than Van Damme in the original. There, I said it.
- The surprise end credits song. The movie ends on sort of an vaguely bleak note, but as soon as the credits hit, it’s a nice reminder that you’ve just had an awesome time at an awesome movie.
THE BAD:
- One of the first deaths is bullshit. I won’t ruin it for anyone, but the second member of the party gets killed way too quick for my tastes. There’s no reason why another character couldn’t have been substituted, allowing him to become more of a major player. Although the best line of the movie would have had to been thrown away. Speaking of…
- There is a disappointing lack of quotable lines. The first Predator was eminently quotable. “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”, “Get to the chopper!”, etc. There’s not really anything that meme-worthy in Predators, although I have already bought the domain for dieyouspacefaggot.com.
- The CGI is a little lackluster. For the small details and the creature effects, it’s absolutely fine, but the big effects are a little wonky. Minor quibbles though. I’ve never personally seen a 10 story fireball, so maybe that’s exactly what it’s supposed to look like. Also, the predator dogs look great.
- It’s absolutely predictable. As soon as the party is assembled, you will immediately know who will survive until the end, and which character will have the big secret. Still a lot of fun to watch everything unfold, though.
I could go on for pages, but you already know if this flick is for you or not.
MY PRESIDENT IS ONE UGLY MOTHERFUCKER.
Predators gets a 5 out of 5.
